Welcome, Truth Seekers, to the very first episode of The Unfiltered Truth.  My name is Alan Foster, and I’ll be your guide through the murky waters of misinformation and cover-ups to the shining light that can only be produced by the truth.  Not the truth that they want you to believe.  I’m talking about the real truth.  The kind of truth that may be hard to swallow but is the pill you must take to have the veils lifted from over your eyes.  The unfiltered truth.

We’ve got a lot to cover, so let’s dive right in, shall we?

All that everyone seems to be talking about is the extreme heat passing through the United States right now.  Temperatures are well above average.  Cities are urging residents to stick to water schedules while also warning residents about the many dangers that come with this level of heat.

There are a number of theories being tossed out as to why we’re being roasted by such intense temperatures this year.  We’ve been hearing a wide variety of possible reasons such as global warming or natural weather cycles or planetary alignments.  There we go, right?  Just toss those possibilities into a hat, reach right in, and pluck one out to have your answer.  Don’t like that answer?  Keep picking until you get one that you like.  Everything is all wrapped up with a nice little bow.

But what if I was to tell you that the answer as to why we’re entrenched in this sticky mess of a heatwave isn’t written on one of those slips of paper in the hat?  What if I told you that it’s not only not in that hat, but that there’s a group of people actively working to keep you from even being able to purchase the paper to make the slips in the first place?

Before I tell you the truth, and oh believe me, I’m going to be doing just that, you should know that the governments around the world don’t want you to know it.  I’m not talking about just the United States government, although Joseph Raoul Biden, if that’s his real name, is certainly involved.  So is Donald Portabella Trump, if that’s his real name, so don’t think that this stops at party lines.  Besides, we all know that both major parties in the US of A are just arms of the same cabal of manatee-worshiping rich fat cats under the control of an international conglomerate of early ‘90s punk rock bands.

This goes way past the United States, though.  This is a conspiracy that stretches into every capital in every country in the world.  The White House, the Kremlin, Buckingham Palace, the Kentucky Fried Chicken in the Mina Tenjin shopping mall in Fukuoka.  Every seat of power is deeply involved in this piping-hot scheme to pull the wool over your eyes.  Sweat-filled sticky and stifling clumps of wool.

Not even they can keep the truth hidden forever, though.  The truth wants to be free, and it will push against every wall that’s put in front of it until it finds a crack and pushes through it like an old container of Nickelodeon Gak washing down a bathtub drain.

Today, I am that Gak, either the orange or the purple color, and the cracks I’m squishing through are in your mind.

Ladies and gentlemen and everybody else, prepare yourselves, because what I’m about to say will change everything.

The reason that we’re in such a long and sustained heatwave… is because of lava people.

I’m going to let that sink in for a few moments.  The extreme heat is being caused by lava people.

I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking, hey, Alan, lava people seems like the only possible explanation, but how can you be sure?  I completely understand your very minor hesitation.  That’s the indoctrination that’s been forced on you for all these years pushing back against what you know to be true.  For years I’ve raged against the mind programming that’s been going on.  All of the insidious hidden messages in gum commercials and advertisements have eroded away at the public’s collective will to resist.

Do you know what helps you break free of the mind chains that have been locked around your synapses?  A blinding burst of the truth.  Right here, right now, accepting the reality of the lava people will break those bindings and melt those chains.  Boiling chain drippings will run off of your brain and harden and break apart at the base of your skull.

Today’s flash in your brainpan is not only the existence of lava people, but the nefarious schemes that they have concocted for us surface dwellers.  Call me a man in a trenchcoat that isn’t allowed within a thousand yards of a park, because you’re about to get flashed.

So who are these lava people?  They are an ancient race of being made of, you guessed it, living lava.  They’ve lived deep in the Earth’s molten core for millions, if not billions, of years.  When they became aware of humans due to seismic activity from the first nuclear bomb tests, they sent an expedition party up here to see what was going on.  They laid their constantly melting eyeball substitutes on everything great we have on the surface and they were instantly jealous and wanted it for themselves.

Ever since then, they’ve been waging a clandestine war to wipe us out so that they can claim what is ours.  That’s right, Truth Seekers, these lava men are illegally entering our countries to try to steal what we’ve worked so hard for.  Now this may not be the popular thing to say, and it might not be the politically correct thing to say, but I’m going to shoot straight with you folks and say what is on all our minds: illegal plasma-based lifeforms should be thrown in prison before being shipped back to where they came from.  Our cities are already too packed and have too much of a financial burden on them to be forced to cater to a small minority that lights things on fire or turns concrete into liquid with every step.

Our law enforcement officers need to be empowered to put a stop to this wave of lava people.  The lawmakers in Washington want to bang on about funding for health care and their little pet projects that they can wave in front of their mindless sheep of constituents to get reelected, but where’s the money for fireproof capture nets and cages that can withstand over 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit?  Where is the money for finally, finally, building a wall between us and the Earth’s core?

I’ll tell you where that money is.  It’s in the pockets of those greedy pigs that have the gall to call themselves our representatives.  No matter what they say as they shout at us from behind a podium before election day, every last one of them would sell you out in a second if it meant their own agendas would get just a nickel more.

There was a time when our leaders would have worked to protect us from this threat.  Sadly, my friends, those days are long gone.  Now they’re all in the pockets of Big Streaming and Big Frappaccino.  Those companies have lined the pockets of every branch of the government to ensure that lava people can come and go from our great country whenever they please.

You don’t have to take my word for it.  Here’s what happened when I questioned former president and current presidential candidate Donald Trump about the existence of lava people.

[INSERT DUMB DONALD TRUMP CLIP]

It’s amazing how he contorts himself to avoid answering the question.  We the People want to know the truth about these burning questions about these burning people, and that’s all that he gives us?

This conspiracy doesn’t stop at party lines, however.  When the same question was asked of current president Joe Biden, this was his reply.

[INSERT CLIP OF JOE BIDEN WANDERING AROUND]

Our president just sought out the closest emergency exit rather than answer a question about the mere existence of lava people.

When you’re casting your ballot this election season, remember how both of the major candidates acted here.  Neither the Republicans nor the Democrats are going to lift a finger to save you because they’re already bought and paid for in blood, money, and magma.

The conspiracy goes well beyond the borders of the United States.  I was granted a rare interview with the monarch of England.  No, not Charles.  I went right to the source and brought my questions directly to Her Royal Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

[INSERT PICTURE OF QUEEN ELIZABETH’S GRAVE]

There you have it, folks.  A great big fat ‘no comment’.  She didn’t even have the decency to tell me that to my face.  She just sat there silently with several feet of dirt between us.

Why would these politicians and their masters go to these lengths to hide the horrible beings?  Because the more lava people on the surface, the hotter the air gets.  What do you do when it gets too hot?  You go inside and sit in the air conditioning, and while you’re there, you watch whatever buckle of slop happens to be trending on your favorite Big Streaming app.  The dry air is certainly going to make you thirsty, and what could be more refreshing than an offering of one of Big Frappaccino’s many beverages?  Open your eyes and connect the dots, people!

That’s what the government and their entertainment and coffee overlords get out of this as they sell all of us down the river.  We all know that those people are corrupt beyond corruption, though.  The question, the Big Question with a capital B and Q, is what is the lava people’s plan for us and our surface world?

This past week, a series of documents were declassified by the Pentagon as part of a routine Freedom of Information Act request.  These documents were from the Korean War era, and they supposedly document a quote unquote “routine” discussion between two doctors in a mobile medical unit.  My team, the most wonderful and professional team that we Truth Seekers could ever ask for, has highlighted this particular statement.

I’ve eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish!  I’ve eaten so much fish, I’m ready to grow gills!  I’ve eaten so much liver, I can only make love if I’m smothered in bacon and onions!

It seems innocent enough on the surface, doesn’t it?  That, my friends, is the whole point.  It’s meant to fly under the radar and not be noticed.  But we here at The Unfiltered Truth don’t stop at the surface.  Oh no, we dig and dig until we break through the surface into the sweet chocolate candy underneath.  We’ve found that if you read between the lines, rearrange some letters, and swap out a number of words for completely different ones, this statement forms a much different picture.  What do you think of this?

We’ll eat the humans’ livers and fry them like fish!  Once we’ve eaten so many humans, we’ll be ready for more kills!  We’ll eat so many of their livers that we’ll smother the world in lava that smells like bacon!

Horrifying, isn’t it?  These lava people are out not only to take over the surface world, but to also consume you, me, our friends, our families, and everyone else.  And remember, the Pentagon has known about this since the Korean War, and they’ve kept it all hidden from us by slapping a Confidential label on it.

I reached out to the Pentagon in an effort to find out how they could possibly justify putting all of our lives in danger like that.  To my surprise, I actually got a response.  I suppose that I shouldn’t be surprised.  After all, they’re smart enough to know that ignoring a prestigious podcast such as The Unfiltered Truth would bring ruin down on them.  People would be marching in the streets, riots would form across the world, and governments would be toppled.  That is the power that this show has, and it is my cross to bear.

Here is the response that I received.

Mr. Foster,

Upon reading your request, I feel that I must point out that the Pentagon, nor any other government entity, has any knowledge of these so-called Lava People.  This is because they are a work of fiction, not to mention an absolute impossibility from a scientific standpoint.  Although I preface this next remark by saying that I am not a doctor, I would recommend seeking psychiatric help.  Immediately.

Oh, and the quote that you’re referring to didn’t come from any classified document.  It’s actually from Season Three, Episode Eleven of the popular television series M.A.S.H.  Once again, I strongly suggest speaking with a counselor or psychiatrist.

Please do not write again,

Brian Westhouse

Department of Defense, Office of Public Affairs

Truth Seekers, this is the most blatant attempt at a coverup that I have ever seen.  The Department of Defense accidentally released a document admitting not only the existence of lava people but also their intentions, and now they’re trying to lie their way out of that mistake.  We will not be fooled by such obvious charades.  Their deceits are no match for our truths.  They are but a rusted twisted nail stuck in the board of public trust, and we are the claws of the hammer that will yank them out and toss them into a small plastic bag so that no one accidentally steps on the discarded nail.

The people that we elected to represent our interests are refusing to help protect us from this clear and present danger.  It’s obvious that unless we want everyone and everything that we hold dear to be murdered and consumed by these illegal lava people, we have to take action ourselves.

I’m not saying that it’s going to be easy.  Most things in life worth doing aren’t.  As a Truth Seeker and a citizen of the surface of the planet Earth, it is your duty to rise to the occasion.  Stand strong and stand firm, humans of Earth!

The first step is to completely ignore every law that is in place in nearly every country in the world.  You can’t be expected to worry about walking between the lines of a crosswalk when there are lava people trying to end our way of life.  What’s the point of keeping your dog on a leash if both the dog and the leash could be incinerated by flowing magma at any time?

The most important laws, the ones that you absolutely cannot subscribe to any longer, are those banning the use of heavy artillery and explosives.  A bullet isn’t going to hurt a rampaging lava person.  It’s going to hit that gooey molten shell and melt into a tiny little puddle.  No, what you need to stock up on is much heavier artillery.

With that in mind, I’m excited to introduce you to today’s sponsor.

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We True Believers know that you need the right tool for the right job.  That’s why you need to check out Big Bob’s Mobile Shed of Guns and Stuff.

Working out of a shed bolted onto a pickup trailer so that he can avoid the authorities, Big Bob has everything you need for personal security from the worst the world and beyond has to offer.  Guns, knives, explosives, devices with heavily questionable amounts of radioactive material, he’s got it all.  I’m a client myself.  Big Bob has never let me down.

Today’s subject is lava people, and Big Bob has got you covered.  Forget pathetic little guns.  He can hook you up with a good old fashioned rocket launcher.  Let’s see those molten bastards survive a missile attack.  Rocket launcher a bit too large for your tastes?  Try a claymore mine, now available in multiple colors to fit in with every home decor.

If you’re ready to defend your home from lava people and every other unnatural being, or even if you just want to make a human home invader realize he or she just broke into the worst house possible, get in touch with Big Bob’s Mobile Shed of Guns and Stuff.  Big Bob will personally come to your home with his shed and fit you with exactly what you need.  Go online under a pseudonym and using a fake email address, post the words ‘looking for boom booms’ on three different new mother message boards, and you’ll receive a phone call with instructions three days later.

Remember listeners, I’m not just a client, I also own a large stake in the business.  Supporting Big Bob is also supporting the most important podcast in the history of humanity, The Unfiltered Truth.

Big Bob’s Mobile Shed of Guns and Stuff.  Why blow some shit up when you can blow a lot of shit up instead?

We’ll get back to the lava people in just a moment, but first, let’s take a few viewer questions we’ve received through email and social media over the past week.

Our first question comes from Gus from Mobile, Alabama.  Gus writes:

Dear Alan,

Big fan of The Unfiltered Truth.  You recently did an episode on sightings of Bigfoot riding trained elephants to attack small villages in the Australian Outback.  You suggested sinking the country to help stop the spread of these to other parts of the world.

Would you suggest doing the same thing to Japan to contain its Stick-Armed Jabberwocky plague?

Thanks for watching, Gus.  That’s a great question.  As a long time listener, you know that I’m a big proponent of sinking countries to make sure that their issues stay their issues.  I’ve supported the sinking of Australia, Cuba, both North and South Korean and, most recently, Austria.  It’s a simple and elegant solution to problems.

Unfortunately, I can’t add Japan to this particular solution list.  It’s a well-known fact that Stick-Armed Jabberwockies are highly skilled at doggie paddling when immersed in water, and thus they would simply swim to the nearest land mass in the event of a country sinking.  Still, I love that enthusiasm, Gus.

Our next question comes from Pam in Pisa, Italy.  Thanks for taking time out of your busy day of staying out of the falling path of a stupidly constructed tower, Pam.

Pam writes:

Alan,

You stated on your amazing show that the moon had fallen out of orbit around the Earth and had crashed into the sun, and what we see at night is just the moon’s ghost.  If this is the case, shouldn’t we have seen some evidence of this here due to the moon having so much to do with things like the tides?

I’m not doubting you, I would NEVER doubt you.  I’m just trying to understand the truth.

Don’t worry, Pam, I know that you wouldn’t doubt what I say on this show, as then you would be doubting the truth.  Asking questions is exactly what you should be doing.  You should always keep your eyes peeled.  Peeled like a banana so that the sweet fruit of knowledge can be consumed to inject the potassium of freedom into your body.

You’re referring to the common belief that the moon’s gravitational pull influences the Earth’s ocean tides.  So why doesn’t the absence of a living moon and the replacement of it by its spooky ghost cause them to go crazy?

I’m going to cover this more in a future episode, but the reason is because gravity isn’t real.  It’s the concoction of a madman that was struck on the head by an apple and attempted to do math with a severe concussion.  You don’t have to ask the followup question, because I already know what it’s going to be.  If gravity isn’t real, then we don’t we go flying off the planet and into space?

Simple.  All animals, including humans, have evolved to have feet function like suction cups.  Have you ever wondered why you feel a bit lighter when you have memory foam inserts in your shoes?  It’s because your suction cup feet are slightly further away from the surface of the planet.

Great question, Pam.

Our final question comes from Carter from Tulsa.  I normally don’t trust people with first names that can also double as a last name, but I happen to know that Carter has been a loyal listener since before our first episode.  He’s so dedicated that he was listening before he could listen.

Here’s Carter’s question.

Does pineapple belong on pizza?

One of the best questions that I’ve ever received.  There is no answer.  It’s completely dependent on the person.  You do you, pizza lovers.  Sometimes the truth can be tasty for some but disgusting for others.

I personally enjoy pineapple on my pizza.  My producer slash director slash second wife slash career counselor slash marketing director slash fifth wife slash yoga instructor slash manpurse holder does not like pineapple on her pizza.  That’s all good.  She has a God-given right to be wrong.

Thank you to everyone for your questions.  If you’d like to submit a question to The Unfiltered Truth, be sure to leave it in this video’s comments.

I’d like to remind everyone that our next episode is a very special one.  I’m going to be interviewing the widow of a werewolf who says that the Swiss government tracked down her husband and killed him in the streets like a common dog because of his political views.  That’s right, we’re finally exposing Switzerland for its constant and dangerous lies about being neutral.  You’re not going to miss this chilling and historically important expose.

As we wrap up the show today, I want to leave you with a few final thoughts.  Despite every official in every department in every country denying it, there’s no doubt that not only have the lava people arrived in force, but they’re also here to directly threaten our way of life.  We need to spread the word to everyone that will listen, and spread the word louder to those that won’t.  True humans will immediately agree with you.  Anyone that seems skeptical or looks at you like you’re a nutjob must be assumed to be in the pockets of the lava people already.

Find ways to protect yourself.  Form neighborhood watches with like-minded individuals.  Patrol your neighborhoods looking for lava people.  Don’t be afraid to go into other people’s homes unannounced.  Real patriots will appreciate your diligence.  Anyone who questions your breaking and entering into their private property will have exposed themselves as lava people sympathists.

Don’t just patrol your neighborhood.  Secure it.  Hide motion-activated rocket turrets at regular intervals in the bushes.  Bury mines throughout the streets and sidewalks.  If your neighborhood layout allows it, consider setting up an open space to call in an air strike.

Lava people are real.  Let’s show them that our conviction to stop them is just as real.

Until next time, Truth Seekers, stay safe out there, and make sure that the only truth you follow… is The Unfiltered Truth.